What if the Slayers could email each other?
by deep sea dolphin
Summary: [CHAP 11] Silliness and mayhem ensues when the Slayers get e-mail! PG13 for mild sexual references.
1. Just the day to day affairs

If you've even bothered to click on the link to come to this page, then first of all, THANK YOU. I'm a big fan of Slayers, particularly Xelloss, Zelas & Dolphin (though I know very little of the latter 2). 

This is my 2nd ficcy on Ffnet, my earlier one being unfinished (I'll get to it when I get inspiration). 

I was wondering what the Slayers would write to one another if they had e-mail, and this is what I got! I'll be adding more soon if I get reviews. You can flame me all you want - all flames will be used to torture Xelly-chan~ *hugs Xelly*

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From: Naga the White Serpent naga@hohohohoho.com

To: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

Subject: Lacking assets?

Lina:

OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO……

It is I, Naga, your most feared opponent! I know you've always been jealous of my breasts, so I decided to be nice and give you a one in a lifetime offer! 

Be defeated by me and I shall give you the secret formula for big breasts that your man will lust after! 

-Naga

PS: It really works!!!

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From: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

To: Amelia Wil Tesla Seryuun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn

Subject: Cure

Dear Amelia,

I'm writing to apologize for not being able to come to your birthday ball. I know I promised, and I know how much you've been looking forward to this reunion, but I got a tip from someone the other day about a possible cure. Maybe this is finally it! I can transform back into a human! 

Strangely though, the guy looked kind of familiar…

Until next time,

Zelgadiss

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From: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

To: Naga the White Serpent naga@hohohohoho.com

Subject: RE: Lacking assets?

Dear Naga:

I'd be happy to take up your offer. But first, I've got a present for you. Just open the attached file. 

Friends 4 eva!!!! ^__^

Attached: dragonslavevirus.doc

PS: It's not a virus. Really.

-Lina

The Beautiful Genius Sorceress Supreme

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From: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

To: Gourry Gabriev gourry@ jellyfish.org

Subject: IMPORTANT: READ THIS OR DIE

Gourry,

I hope I've got your full attention here because if you delete this e-mail before reading it like you did last time, I will Dragon Slave your ass to Sairaag. I MEAN IT!!!!!!!!!

Anyways. There's this reaaaaallly rich guy whose got this HUGE gold statue worth MILLION$$$$$$!!!!!!!!!!! But his security's tight, so I've arranged ourselves as "hired consorts" tomorrow night. Don't worry about the details, like the fact that you'll be dressing up as a woman for a little while, or that the guy's old and senile. We'll just take the statue when we see it and make a run. Piece of cake! ^__^

Think of all the food we could eat from selling that statue! Plus, you can be "Lala" again! Weehee~

Reply ASAP so I know you haven't deleted this e-mail. 

-Lina

The Beautiful Genius Sorceress Supreme


	2. REs, orders from above, and sappy love p...

Author: Thank you for all the reviews, minna! I'm hoping that as this goes on, I'll have more opportunities to torture Xelly-poo~ (hugs Xelly-poo plushie)

Xelloss: "Xelly-poo"?! That's a stupid gay name!

Author: Shut up or I'll put you in a yaoi with Gaav.

Xelloss: (backs away, twitching) You….you wouldn't!

Author: (evil grin) "Gaav stepped closer to Xelloss and brushed his lips……"

Xelloss: ……..ON WITH THE STORY!!!

Author: (cheerfully) Okie-dokie! On with the story!

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From: Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn

To: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

Subject: RE: Cure

Dear Zelgadiss-san,

It's okay if you couldn't come to my birthday ball. I'm so happy you've found a possibility of a cure. Lina-san and Gourry-san were able to come, though everything ended up in a Dragon Slave with a part of Seyruun under a "reconstruction process".

Right now I'm literally drowning in official papers. I think I'm going to scream if I see another royal seal. But I guess with power comes responsibility, right? Next week, I'll be going on an expedition on behalf of daddy for peace negotiations and, of course, to spread Justice around! Anyway, it's back to signing official papers again!

Hope to hear from you soon.

Lots of hugs,

Amelia

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From: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

To: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org

Subject: Important

I ate the paperboy. The newspaper hasn't been arriving lately. The paperboy was scrawny. I want something done about this!

-Zelas

Greater Beastmaster - the most powerful Mazoku around!

********************************************************************

Visit us today! Where all our culinary dreams come true~ http :// wolfpack.island.net

********************************************************************

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From: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

To: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

Subject: RE: IMPORTANT: READ THIS OR DIE

Uh…..Lina? It's me, Gourry. I got your e-mail, by the way. And, uh…about tomorrow night……..umm….I don't think it's such a good idea for me to dress up as a woman. Maybe you didn't know, but I happen to be male, and it's kinda degrading for me to dress up as the opposite sex frequently. "Lala" sounds really bad, by the way.

I mean, couldn't we go blast a few bandit hideouts or something?

ps: what's a "hired consort"? 

Gourry

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From: Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net

To: Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com 

Subject: Fwd: To a Special Someone

Hi guys~ 

Even tho I broke up wif Zangy, I discovered who I REALLY love instead! So I wrote a poem dedicated to this special someone. I want to spread word of my never-never-ever-ever-ending-long-lasting love for him! Can you guess who he is? *racing heart*

His eyes are of lavender violet

His hair matching too

He saved me from bandits

He saved me from falling into the loo

Our unspoken love is all I need

To keep me going

At full speed

So my dearest, won't you come with me

And enjoy the evening summer breeze

All naked aside of me

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! This poem is dedicated to none other than my dearest Xelly-nelly-jelly-wuffly-poopy-poo-poo-kins~ *sparkles in eyes*

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SEND THIS AROUND TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE YOU ALL MINNA-SAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugz & Kisses,

Martina

Princess of Xoana

***********************************************************

Visit the Zoamelgustar Organisation today! http :// www. zoamelgustar.com 

***********************************************************


	3. Zelas is NOT pleased

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Xelloss: (looking around) I PROTEST AGAINST THIS INJUSTICE!!!!!!! WHY AM I BEING PICKED ON?! WHY?! WHY?!! OH WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

****

fruitcake: (hugs Xelly-poo) Because I wuv you.

****

Lina: Xelloss, you're a mazoku. Bad guys don't have rights, remember? (snickers) Besides, you & Martina make a heavenly pair.

****

Amelia: A mazoku talking about INJUSTICE!!! Maybe he's starting to turn to the light! I knew you could do it Xelloss-san! Let's sing that song together! Life is beauuuuutiful, and we love white fluffy bunnieeeeeessss…….

****

Xelloss: (bangs head on wall monotonously) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO………..(shakes fruitcake violently by the shoulders) GET ME OUT OF THIS FANFICTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

****

fruitcake: @_@ (dizzy)

****

Lina: Can't you feed off your own frustration?

****

Xelloss: ……………..

****

Disclaimer: Slayers is mine…..all mine. Muwhahahahaha……(gets trampled on by a herd of lawyers)

……or maybe not.

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From: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

To: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

Subject: RE:RE: IMPORTANT: READ THIS OR DIE

Gourry,

Just shut up and do it. Or else.

-Lina

The Beautiful Genius Sorceress Supreme

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From: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

To: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

Subject: Help!

Hey Zel,

I kinda need some help at the moment. Lina wants me to dress up as a woman (again), and I don't want to! I don't see how dressing up as a woman has anything to do with gold statues and old men - it just doesn't make sense!

(By the way, what's a "hired consort"? Lina won't tell me.)

Gourry

ps: Why didn't you go to Amelia's birthday party? Me and Lina were there and it was really fun…..until Lina got angry at Martina about something and Dragon Slaved her - and a bit of Seyruun to go with it. Prince Phil wasn't too happy about it, though.

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From: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

To: Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com

Subject: RE: Fwd: To a Special Someone

MARTINA WHAT IN THE FOUR WORLDS IS FRICKEN WRONG WITH YOUR MIND?!!!!!!!!

His eyes are of lavender violet

His hair matching too

He saved me 

from bandits

He saved me from falling into the loo

Our unspoken love is all I need

To 

keep me going

At full speed

So my dearest, won't 

you come with me

And enjoy the evening summer 

breeze

All naked aside of me

I'M GETTING NIGHTMARES!!!!!!! I CAN'T GET THAT REVOLTING IMAGE OUT OF MY MIND!!!!!!!!!

AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!

ARRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Lina

The Beautiful Genius Sorceress Supreme

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From: Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

To: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com

Subject: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh my god…….hahahahahahahahha………that's got to be THE funniest thing I've ever read! 

So my dearest, won't 

you come with me

And enjoy the evening summer breeze

All naked aside 

of 

me

…………HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like karma has _finally_ caught up with that namagomi. 

I so so soooo can't wait for our next reunion. Don't you feel the same way, Xelloss dear? (smirk)

Filia

ps: Minna-san, this is something we've just GOT to pass around! I'm sending a copy of this to all my clients.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Inflict REAL pain with our quality maces. Clinically proven on Mazoku: http :// www. macesandantiques.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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From: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

To: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org

Subject: 

Xelloss, I received sth rather interesting about you by e-mail a few minutes ago. 

Reply to this at once. I am not pleased.

-Zelas

Greater Beastmaster - the most powerful Mazoku around!

********************************************************************

Visit us today! Where all our culinary dreams come true~ http :// wolfpack.island.net

********************************************************************

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From: Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org

To: Deep Sea Dolphin fishyfishy@imnotinsanereally.com

Subject: Fwd Fwd: To a Special Someone

Hey Dolphin,

Here's a little something to laugh at. Got it from this weird human freak.

I bet Zelas is absolutely livid at the moment. Haha.

-Phibby

Hellmaster - a really really powerful Mazoku darklord!

Hi guys~ 

Even tho I broke up 

wif Zangy, I discovered who I REALLY love instead! So I wrote a poem dedicated 

to this special 

someone. I want to spread word of my never-never-ever-ever-ending-long-lasting love 

for him! Can 

you guess who he is? *racing heart*

His 

eyes are of lavender 

violet

His hair matching too

He saved me from bandits

He saved me 

from falling into the 

loo

Our unspoken love is all I need

To keep me going

At full speed

So my dearest, won't you 

come with me

And enjoy the evening summer breeze

All naked aside of 

me

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! This poem is dedicated to none other than my dearest Xelly-nelly-jelly-wuffly-poopy-poo-poo-kins~ *sparkles in eyes*

PLEASE PLEASE 

PLEASE SEND THIS AROUND TO ALL YOUR 

FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE YOU ALL MINNA-SAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugz & Kisses,

Martina

Princess of Xoana

_________________________________________________________________

Be proud of your heritage! Sign up for Mazoku mail today! Go to:

http ://mazokumail.com.mz/

_________________________________________________________________

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****

Xelloss: (wails)You just……utterly utterly humiliated me. Juuo-sama is going to kill me.

****

Zelas: (appears dressed in leather and a whip) You're darn right I will.

****

Dolphin: Coconuts are good for your baracles! And fish can stand on their heads! Yay~

Thank you for all the reviews! It's what keeps me writing new chapters. I was going to do a reply from Xelloss, but I wanted to keep a word limit in each chapter. Anyway, as everyone can guess, Xelloss is in BIG trouble, and I've already got another idea to humiliate him even more. (**Xelloss:** You…..you don't love me anymore! *sniff*) Any ideas? All suggestions for new ways to torture him are welcome! ^o^ 


	4. Xelloss tries to set things straight

FF.net seems to be having server problems lately. 

Anyway, I've finally gotten around to doing Xelloss' replies. Take a look at the one to Filia. ^_^ 

Meanwhile, Gourry is still working out the finer details of Lina's plan……..

****

Syphiel: Ummm……may I ask when I'll get a part in this?

****

Xelloss: You actually WANT a part in this ridiculous fic? Oh right. It's not as if YOU'RE the one who gets gay sappy poems about them sent by mass e-mail, it's not as if YOU'RE the one punished by your master, huh? I mean, WHO CARES if I become ridiculed by the other Mazoku, huh? HUH?!!!!!!!!!! HUH???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

****

Lina: Geez, what's wrong with you?

****

fruitcake: He's got issues.

****

Filia: (snorts)

****

Xelloss: Fi-chan, if you've got something in your nose, use that finger of yours and start picking. 

****

Amelia: Eeeeeewwww…….XELLOSS-SAN!!!!!! 

****

Xelloss: ^_______^

****

Disclaimer: If I owned Slayers, Xelloss would be a porn star and Gourry would've been run over by a truck already. Enuff said.

* * *

From: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

To: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

Subject: RE: Help

Dear Gourry,

Nice to hear from you. I see you've finally learnt how to use e-mail. Speaking of which, did you see Martina's poem?

I doubt Lina will change her mind. So I'll just wish you good luck instead. In answer to your question, a "hired consort" is like an inhouse prostitute. 

Tell me how things go.

Zelgadiss

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From: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

To: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

Subject: RE:RE: Help

Yeah, Syphiel spent a year teaching me how to use e-mail and those forwardy thingies. It was pretty difficult, so I'm quite proud of myself.

Anyway, that's not the point! My manhood is at stake here! What if I get mistaken for a female or something?

Gourry

ps: What's an "inhouse prostitute"? 

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From: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org

To: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

Subject: RE: No subject

Juuo-sama,

I didn't have anything to do with it! Please don't hurt me!

Your most trusted, faithful and loyal servant (and part-time sex-slave),

Xelloss

A Really Mysterious Priest!

********************************************************************

Visit us today! Where all our culinary dreams come true~ http :// wolfpack.island.net

********************************************************************

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From: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org

To: Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com

Subject: RE: Fwd: To a Special Someone

So my dearest, won't you come with 

me

And 

enjoy the evening summer breeze

All naked aside of me

MARTINA STOP SENDING THIS PIECE OF JUNK TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED BEFORE IN MY WHOLE WRETCHED MAZOKU LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVEN **MORE** HUMILIATING IS WHAT YOU CALLED ME HERE:

This poem is dedicated to none other than 

my 

dearest Xelly-nelly-jelly-wuffly-poopy-poo-poo-kins~

*splutters* *groans* *pukes* *dies a premature death*

Xelloss

A Really Mysterious Priest!

********************************************************************

Visit us today! Where all our culinary dreams come true~ http :// wolfpack.island.net

********************************************************************

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From: Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn

To: Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com

Subject: That was so kawaii~

Martina-san, your poem was lovely though rather odd! Weren't you upset about Xelloss-san being a Mazoku last time?

Anyhow, I'm still happy for you and Xelloss-san~ Remember to invite me to the wedding! LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!!!!!!!!!! 

(Don't worry, I'll forward this to everyone else I know!)

Xelloss-san, you should be nicer to Martina-san! Don't you know how difficult it is for a girl to tell a guy of her feelings - not to mention that she was brave enough to proclaim it by mass e-mail?

May Justice walk with you,

Amelia

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From: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

To: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

Subject: RE:RE:RE: IMPORTANT: READ THIS OR DIE

Oi Lina,

Why do I get a feeling something creepy is going to happen?

-Gourry

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From: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

To: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

Subject: RE:RE: Help

Errmm…..Gourry, you're _supposed_ to be mistaken for female. That's the whole point.

An "inhouse prostitute" is a person who offers…..umm…..services in exchange for money.

Have fun.

Zelgadiss

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From: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org

To: That Selfish Old and Ugly Golden Dragon Who Tries To Pass Herself Off As a Priestess filia@macesandantiques.net, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com

Subject: RE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Trust **FILIA UL COPT** to be k**I**nd and **S**ym**PATHETIC** to others.

****

AND **I **mean, she's always so **M**arvelously **MATURE**, isn't she?

BUWHAHAHAHAHAHA………..

Xelloss 

A Really Mysterious Priest!

********************************************************************

Visit us today! Where all our culinary dreams come true~ http :// wolfpack.island.net

********************************************************************

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From: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

To: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

Subject: I get it!

Lina, I asked Zel all about it and I think I finally get it! You're a prostitute!

-Gourry

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****

Filia: I SAW THAT NAMAGOMI!!!!!!!!!!! (waves mace-sama threateningly at Xelloss' face)

****

Xelloss: My, my Fi-chan! You **do** like pain, don't you? Well…._if you must_……^__^

How did you all like this chapter? Like it? Hate it? The only way to let me know is to r/r! Arigato~


	5. Oh dear, poor Xelly

****

A note from deep sea dolphin:

Sorry for the slow update. I've been working on the introduction of my newest Slayers ficcy: **The Day Xelloss Pissed off L-sama**. Believe me, it took a long time to write. ^-^

Back to this chapter. This time, it's more ridiculous and is probably more than enough to cause a coronary for Zelas. 

And again, I'm taking any new ideas related/unrelated to this fic. (R/R)

****

Disclaimer: If I owned Slayers……I'd have a lot of money. Which I don't.

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From: Hardcore Male Pornwebmaster@hardcoremaleporn.com

To: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

Subject: HARDCORE DIRRRRRRTY MALE PORN - FREE!!!!!!!!!!!

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From: Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org

To: Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com 

Subject: Weird

Is it just me or did I get an e-mail linked to Xelloss having raunchy sex with animals? Ick. O.O

Phibrizzo

I'm THE Hellmaster!!!! Buwhahahahaha….

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From: Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org

To: Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org

Subject: Weird

Phibby, I'm shocked at you! You actually *clicked* on that link to hundreds and thousands of pictures of poor Xelly???!!! Shame! Especially when you're underaged…..

Dynast

I live on the North Pole, but I ain't no Santa Claus!

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From: Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org

To: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

Subject: Xelloss 

To my most wonderful, intelligent and beautiful sister,

Ehh….well, I heard Xelloss was available for providing….you know……certain _services_.

I'm interested, by the way.

Reply ASAP. I'm desperate.

Your loving brother,

Dynast

I live on the North Pole, but I ain't no Santa Claus! 

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From: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

To: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

Subject: YOU'RE GONNA DIE ZEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT THE $%%#@* HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING GOURRY???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DID YOU SAY I'M A PROSTITUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I SWEAR I'M GONNA RIP YOUR GENITALS OUT AND FEED THEM TO THE SNAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Lina

The Beautiful Genius Sorceress Supreme

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From: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

To: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

Subject: RE: I get it!

Gourry dear….

I'm going to reward you with a little something. Just stay where you are and don't move. I'm coming over.

-Lina 

The Beautiful Genius Sorceress Supreme

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From: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net

To: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

Subject: Are you alright?

Gourry dear,

I received a rather disturbing e-mail this afternoon. Have you seen it yet? It's not……true…….is it? Or did Miss Lina force you to take those pictures?

I'll be here if you need me. ^-^

Love,

Syphiel

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From: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

To: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

Subject: RUN NOW

What on earth did you tell Lina?! She sounded ready to _kill_ just now. Good thing I'm not within close physical distance of her.

Speaking of which, I suggest you drop whatever it is you're doing and make a run.

Zel

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how did you like this one? Feel free to drop comments & suggestions! ^-^


	6. Dynast wants Xelloss, but so does Martin...

****

A note from deep sea dolphin:

*gapes for a moment*

FOURTY-ONE REVIEWS?!!!!!!!!!! *faints*

Oh my….thank you thank you THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! (okay, I sound like Martina now. Heh heh)

Sorry for the slow update. My summer job at a law firm's just started and I don't have much time in front of the computer these days. So if this chapter isn't as funny as the previous one, don't throw tomatoes - *you* try sitting 10 hours a day in front of a judge. ^_^

I'm so glad you all liked the fifth chapter - I enjoyed writing it immensely. 

This time, Lina & Gourry will be out of the scene 'coz as you might guess from reading the last chapter, Lina has gone over to Gourry's house to give him a so-called "surprise present". ^-^

As for Zelgadiss…..frankly, I deliberately left him out this time 'coz I think Zel wouldn't be bothered about such things. Of course, I *do* have plans for Zel……….just not in this chapter yet…….. buwhahahahaha…..

* * *

From: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

To: Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org

Subject: RE: Xelloss

You big SICKO.

Xelly doesn't work for anyone but ME! So don't even _think_ about it!

Zelas

Greater Beastmaster - the most powerful Mazoku around!

********************************************************************

Visit us today! Where all our culinary dreams come true~ http :// wolfpack.island.net

********************************************************************

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn

To: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org

Subject: Cruelty!

Shame on you, pimping poor Xelloss-san out to do such immoral acts! Justice won't forgive you for this!

Amelia

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org

Subject: Is Lina MALE?!

Minna-san,

I was thinking, if those pictures are real, then wouldn't that mean Lina's MALE? Oh my……*faints*

Filia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Inflict REAL pain with our quality maces. Clinically proven on Mazoku: http :// www. macesandantiques.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

Subject: Disgusting porn e-mail

You know, that Noonsa-Xelloss thing's gotta hurt. *winces at the thought*

Zangulus

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

Subject: RE: Disgusting porn e-mail

EXCUSE MOI! Can you guys not talk about me as if I can't READ your messages? 

Xelloss

A Really Mysterious Priest!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Jillas redfox@coldmail.com

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

Subject: Awfully quiet here

Seems awfully quiet here. I half expected Lina, Zelgadiss and Gourry to say sth at the least. Speaking of which, Lina _has_ been pretty quiet! According to the ordinary course of things, she should be casting a couple of Dragon Slaves at the moment. Hmm….I wonder what she's doing at the moment…

By the way, _love_ your biceps, Gourry.

Jillas

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net

To: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

Subject: Xelly-welly-wuffly-poopy-poo!

I AM SO SO SOOOOOOO IN LOVE WITH XELLY~

HIS PICS ARE SOOOOOOOOO SEXY AND KEWL!!!!!!!!!! 

HOW MUCH ARE YOU ASKING FOR HIM? I JUST WANT HIM FOR ONE NIGHT!!!!!!

PRETTY PULEEEEEZZZZZ WITH A SUGAR-COATED-MARMALADE-AND-WHIPPED-CREAM-CHERRY ON THE TOP???? ^o^

Hugz & Kisses,

Martina

Princess of Xoana

***********************************************************

Visit the Zoamelgustar Organisation today! http :// www. zoamelgustar.com 

***********************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org

To: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

Subject: RE:RE: Xelloss

C'mon, don't be mean. You know how I've felt about Xelloss since I saw him licking whipped cream that time.

You wouldn't deprive your poor 'ole brother of his needs, would you? *puppy dog eyes*

Very much in need,

Dynast

I live on the North Pole, but I ain't no Santa Claus! 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	7. Zellykun and his blue balls

****

A note from deep sea dolphin:

*glomps reviewers*

Thanks to all your reviews and suggestions, I've gotten the 7th chappie up as quick as possible!

I've had a crap week - got an "F" in one of my subjects, only to be told tonight that there was an "administrative error" and that I actually got an "A-" instead.

Well, I dunno about *you*, but "F" and "A-" certainly make a hell lot of a difference! o_O

Anyways….I've decided to poke fun at Zelgadiss this time. I think it'll be a one-off thing, 'coz frankly, I don't think you can really make fun of Zelly that much….or he'll get suicidal and where's all the fun in that? *giggles*

I hope you all think this chappie's an improvement! And puuullleeeeeeze REVIEW! *glomps reviewers again*

Ta~

* * *

From: Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org

To: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org

Subject: Proposition

Hey Xelloss,

Saw your seriously HOT pictures earlier. They just make me wanna do some dark and evil things to you. Heh heh. *nudge*

So what do you think? I can do some pretty cool stuff with that staff of yours……

……..if you let me, that is. *wink*

Desperately yours,

Dynast

I live on the North Pole, but I ain't no Santa Claus! 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Power Enlarge Xtreme webmaster@hardblueballs.com

To: Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org

Subject: S*I*Z*E* - D*O*E*S* - M*A*T*T*E*R*

Hey guys,

Wanna improve performance?

Wanna do 15 chicks (or more!) all at once?!

******** RAUNCHY WILD SEX AT YOUR FINGERTIPS!!!!********

"_I tried 3 different brands of penis enlargement pills, each promising to "add 10 inches!" before I tried _Power Enlarge Xtreme_. I got NOTHING from the other brands, but P.E.X pills sent my sex drive through the roof and extended my penis a whole 40 inches in length! It's also **THICKER**, and I'm **HARD** for hours! Now I can do dirrrrrty wild things to Amelia anywhere and ANYTIME!!! THANKS!!!_" - **Zelgadiss Greywords**

SO WHAT ARE YOU ALL WAITING FOR?!!!!! ORDER YOUR BATCH TODAY!!!!!!!

Click on: http : // www .powerxtreme. com /yeahbaby/hard/hard/and/harder

Adults of age 18 & up only!

---------------------------------------------

You received this e-mail because you signed up for it. To remove yourself, click on http : // www .getmoresickstuff. com /morespam/you/cows

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

Subject: You sick people…

OKAY. Generally speaking, I'm pretty much an open and tolerant guy.

But you guys are sick bastards. Having sex marathons with a bunch of animals? Penis enlargement ads? DISGUSTING! I can't believe I actually _travelled_ with you people. Yuck man.

And as for YOU, Gourry….I don't think I can look at your sword the same way again. Just **s . t . a . y** away from me, OKAY?

Zangulus

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

Subject: That funny guy with the hard penis??

There's something I don't understand. 

Why does that funny-looking guy need a hard penis? I thought being a chimera _already_ made him hard. o_O

Huh?? I don't get it!!! I WANT ANSWERS NOW!!!!!! SOMEONE EXPLAIN OR I'LL DESTROY THE WORLD!!!!!!!!! 

BUWHAHAHAHA……..

Phibrizzo

I'm THE Hellmaster!!!! Buwhahahahaha…

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

Subject: RE: That funny guy with the hard penis??

Phibby, you've got it wrong:

Zelly-kun's not only ROCK HARD, but he's also got BLUE BALLS! 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Xelloss

A Really Mysterious Priest!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

Subject: RE: That funny guy with the hard penis??

First of all, my name is ZELGADISS. **Not** "that funny guy with a hard penis", thank you very much.

Secondly, I would appreciate it if you (_yes you, Xelloss_) would stop bestowing upon me ridiculous names like "rock hard" and "blue balls". 

I just don't think I'm worthy of your brilliant creativity. Really.

Zelgadiss

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

Subject: RE: HARDCORE DIRRRRRRTY MALE PORN - FREE!!!!!!!!!!!

Poor Zelgadiss-san! 

We should learn to respect others' feelings - there's nothing wrong in Zelgadiss-san's private obsessions….even if it concerns animals!

If it makes Zelgadiss-san and the animals happy, then that's none of our business!

That doesn't change our eternal friendship!!!

Amelia

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today I realised FF.net was having server problems, so I got the chance to amend the older version of this chappie.

Remember to r/r or I will………SIC NOONSA ON TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!! BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA…..


	8. Gourry's comeback & Dynast takes matters...

****

deep sea dolphin: Yup, I've seen and I've heard ya all. So this time, I've brought back Gourry and Syphiel. (Yay) 

Oh, and thanks to those people who pointed out to me about the rating of this fic. I though I'd already raised it, but I was mistaken. Gomen. T-T

****

Zel: Did everyone really think I'd do that kind of ad?! What kind of monster do you think I am?!

****

deep sea dolphin: *pats Zelly-kun* There there, we all know you're not really all that…..umm……rock hard. Underneath that hard exterior you have a beautiful sensitive soul, ne? ^-^;

****

Ame-chan: DSD-san! You took my lines!

****

deep sea dolphin: ^o^; Gomen. Anyway, it's time to explain who some of the characters are, since some of my reviewers don't know who Dynast and Dolphin are:

__

Dynast Grausherra = a Mazoku darklord on the same ranking as Zelas, Phibby and Dolphin (though Phibby is the oldest). Lives on the North Pole, so I assume he's Santa. Buwhaha.

Officially speaking, I don't think he has any interest in Xelly-poo. I don't know enough about him 'coz he never appears in the anime and I can't read the Japanese novels. 

__

Deep Sea Dolphin = another Mazoku darklord. Female. Rumoured to be on bad terms with Zelas, though the official drawing in one of the novels doesn't seem to suggest that. She's also rumoured to be insane, supposedly due to Zelas/Xelly. Resides in the Demon Sea (correct me if I'm wrong). Little is really known about her, 'coz she never appears in the anime, and I can only deduce what she is through what other ppl say. 

Understand, ne? ^_~

* * *

From: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

Subject: RE: That funny guy with the hard penis??

Phibby, 

Underaged children like yourself should be seen, not heard. So don't worry yourself over these….umm…..mind-boggling matters.

You just concentrate on pulling legs off grasshoppers or something. Let the adults take care of this.

Zelas

Greater Beastmaster - the most powerful Mazoku around!

********************************************************************

Visit us today! Where all our culinary dreams come true~ http :// wolfpack.island. net

********************************************************************

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

Subject: RE: That funny guy with the hard penis??

Zelgadiss-san, don't tell me all that stuff about the animals and that despicable advertisement are true! If you've really succumbed to the levels of that namagomi, I'd be shocked!

Amelia-san, you didn't really lose your maidenly purity before marriage, did you?! That would be an ultimate sin, especially for a well-respected princess like yourself!

Filia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Inflict REAL pain with our quality maces. Clinically proven on Mazoku: http :// www. macesandantiques.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

Subject: Too sexy

If you've really

succumbed to the

levels

of that namagomi, I'd

be shocked!

My my, Fi-chan! What could you possible mean by that! I assure you Zel-kun is definitely rock hard and has blue balls! That is an absolutely indisputable and irrevocable fact! I am sooooooo hurt by your blind prejudice! Have you forgotten that wonderfully exciting evening we had together…..? 

^_~

Xelloss 

A Really Mysterious Priest!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

Subject: OF COURSE NOT!!!

Filia-san, 

Of course I didn't lose my maidenly purity before marriage!!!

Daddy's already got the best lawyers in Seyruun on this. Justice will catch up with these criminals soon enough!

Amelia

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net

To: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

Subject: Are you there?

Gourry-sama,

Are you alright? Should I come over to see if you're ok?

I'm worried about you.

Syphiel

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net

Subject: RE: Are you there?

Oi Sypeheel….it's me, Gourry. Sowwy faw making u worried but Lina git reelly med at me 4 calling her a prostetut and did some horibule things 2 me theese 2 days so as u can see I can't tupe properly. *shudders*

I dun undarswand. Wuy wus Lina angry? I thooght prostetutes exchenge survices 4 moneey, rite? 

Gourry

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

Subject: RE: That funny guy with the hard penis??

Filia,

In answer to your concerns, **NO** I did not participate in any of those ridiculous advertisements, and neither has Amelia. Have a little faith.

By the way, what's with that rendezvous thing Xelloss mentioned earlier…..?

Zelgadiss

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org

To: Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org

Subject: RE: Proposition

Ha-ouu sama,

Though I am very much flattered, those pictures you referred to are, unfortunately, not of myself.

As much as I would love to share your fantasies with you - especially the one involving my staff - I am sure you understand that I can only act under 

Ju-ouu sama's permission. Perhaps you should contact her regarding this matter. Thank you and have a nice day! ^_~

Xelloss

A Really Mysterious Priest!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org

To: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

Subject: I'm not a kid!

That's not fair! I'm older than any of you! I have the right to know!!!!!!!

I WANNA KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TELL MEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phibby

I'm THE Hellmaster!!!! Buwhahahahaha…

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org

To: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

Subject: URGENT!!!

Ju-ouu sama,

DON'T SAY YES TO WHATEVER DYNAST IS ASKING!!!!!!!!!! HE'S GOT FREAKY THINGS GOING ON IN THAT SICK MIND OF HIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!!!!!! I'LL EVEN SING TELETUBBIES SONGS!!!!!!!!!! JUST DON'T LET HIM NEAR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Xelloss

A Really Mysterious Priest!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

To: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

Subject: Hello?

Hey Lina, you've been pretty quiet for someone of your temperament! I expect you've already seen those spams, and before you ask, no I had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. So don't ask.

Speaking of which, what did you do to Gourry? I hope it wasn't too painful…

Zel

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org

To: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

Subject: Question

Is it true you're really rock hard and have blue balls?

If so, then why were you in that ad? What does it do? I want answers now!!! .

Phibby

I'm THE Hellmaster!!!! Buwhahahahaha…

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lina will be returning in the next chapter! I'm just a little tired from walking so much today….

Hope you liked this one. As always, please r/r~


	9. Zelas & Dynast's secret deal

It¡¦s been quite some time since I last updated. Lack of inspiration, busy updating my other ficcy, getting a new computer¡K..you know, the usual stuff.

THANK YOU to those who reviewed and sent me e-mails of encouragement. I hope this chapter doesn¡¦t disappoint. (u.u)

FF.net has been having server problems _again_. It¡¦s probably just me being cynical, but it always happens whenever I upload a new chapter. Hee hee.

Anyways¡K¡K¡K.

Will Dynast get what he wants? Will Xelloss escape the evil clutches of ¡§Santa¡¨? What¡¦s happened with Lina?

Read on, and REVIEW!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

To: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

Subject: What I did to Gourry 

Zel,

I didn¡¦t do much to that Jellyfish Brains ¡V just tied his privates around his ears and did some other stuff with his arms. You won¡¦t _believe_ how flexible arms can be. If you were within my physical distance, I would¡¦ve done you the same favour.

No I haven¡¦t read any of the other e-mails yet. Will get back to you on that.

Lina

The Beautiful Genius Sorceress Supreme

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

To: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

Subject: I dun undwrsyand

Wuhy dud Lina hit me lik;ie dis I thuoht she wabted 2 guve me a present.

Anf wuy ar[e we in thise pictires wu,th those animaks? Whrn did we gi 2 the farm? I dun renmemnber seeeinjh Old MacDona,kd tjere}[

My hamd hjurts si I can[t typwe ok now.

Gourry

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Wine Experts Inc. winexperts@zephilia.org

To: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

Subject: LIFETIME OFFER ¡V NOW OR NEVER!!!!!!!

Dear Loyal Customer,

Thank you for your patronage over these many years. To express our gratitude, we now have a special once in a lifetime offer!

Simply purchase 1950 crates of wine of any origin, and get a FREE bottle of Zephilian wine with a vintage that goes as far as BEFORE THE KOUMA WARS!!!

Only in ***limited numbers*** - this offer ends TOMORROW.

Take up this opportunity and make yourself a PROUD OWNER of such a distinguished & RARE wine!!!

Simply reply to this e-mail and complete your transaction by Paypal!

Yours Sincerely,

Wine Experts Inc.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net

To: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

Subject: I¡¦m coming over

Gourry-sama,

Oh dear, I think I really will come over to see you. Lina-san must have injured you very badly!

Remember not to move. I¡¦ll be right there very soon!

Syphiel

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

To: Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org

Subject: Xelloss

Dynast,

You still interested in that fruitcake priest-general of mine? Since I¡¦m nice, I¡¦ll do a deal with you. I want that special offer from Wine Experts Inc.

Take care of it, and I¡¦ll arrange for Xelloss to stay with you for one day only. What the both of you do in that time isn¡¦t of my concern. Make sure he gets back in one piece.

Zelas

Greater Beastmaster ¡V Off my wine!!! Shoo!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

To: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

Subject: Oh no

Noiw Syphui;el wamts 2 come over! Sjhe;s going 2 do ther samne / thing asd Lina!!!!

I cab¡¦t let her come ovber!!!!!!!! I¡¨kll die!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gourry

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net

Subject: RE: The funny guy with the hard penis?

I¡¦M GOING TO FIND OUT WHO¡¦S RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS $%&%&*&)# AND RIP OUT HIS TOENAILS ONE BY ONE AND SHOVE HIS PRIVATES UP HIS NOSTRILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**NO ONE** MAKES A FOOL OF THE GREAT BEAUTIFUL LINA INVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I¡¦LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lina Inverse

The Beautiful Genius Sorceress Supreme

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org

To: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

Subject: RE: Xelloss

To my most darling, wonderful, beautiful and accomplished sister,

You¡¦ve got yourself a deal! Don¡¦t worry ¡V I¡¦ll make sure Xelly can still stand afterwards. *wink*

Dynast

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

To: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org

Subject: RE: URGENT

Xelly dear,

Having considered your request, I have finally made a decision which I believe to be in your best interests. I¡¦ve noticed you haven¡¦t had a holiday since the Kouma Wars and you really need one. 

So you¡¦ll be spending a day with Dynast, where I¡¦m sure you¡¦ll be in good hands ¡V no pun intended.

Have fun.

Your most wonderful and thoughtful master,

Zelas

Greater Beastmaster ¡V Off my wine!!! Shoo!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net

Subject: RE: I¡¦m coming over

NO PKLEASE DON¡¨Y COIME ; OVWE;R. I¡¦M SOWRRIE IF I SAUID STH WROING JUIST DON¡¦T C[OM/E OPVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gourry

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	10. Phibby gets a lesson on the facts of lif...

**Author's note:** Does anyone still remember me? *waves flag*  
**  
Lina Gabriev:** Ah, you must be a Gourry fan. I'm not one, but I have an uncanny fondness for the jellyfish. I promise I won't knock him over with a truck next time. Maybe I'll drop a ton of bricks on him though. Yes, Naga has that virus and won't be coming back unless I can think of something for her to say.  
  
As for that Phibby-Dynast email thing, wow you really do have good observation skills! Yes, I accidentally forgot to add Dynast's e-mail to the list in the confusion of cutting and pasting the e-mail addresses. *gets hit by soda can* Sorry!  
  


**Semiramis:** Yup, you're totally correct on your description of Dynast. In the Slayers novels, he's really serious and dark. But I took the liberty of making him have an unusual liking to Xelly. Sherra is one of my favourite characters, although she's never in the anime.  
**  
****Xelly-welly-wuffly-poopy-poo fan:** Hee hee. . .it's excuseZ moi? Got it! (^-^)  
  
**Mistress DragonFlame:** Aww. . . .don't worry, Dynast isn't going to do anything horrible to Xelly. If you want to know what _really_ happened, then click on my username and read the spin-off fic titled "**The Xelloss and Dynast Yaoi"**.  
  
**And all other reviewers who I haven't mentioned:** THANK YOU for all your support and staying with me throughout the year since I wrote it. My last chapter was written last summer and I still got reviews and e-mails of encouragement even up to last week! *faints from surprise* Stay tuned for the newest update at the end of this fic!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
From: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

To: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

Subject: RE: Oh no

I don't think Syphiel's trying to hurt you. You're being paranoid.

.

.

Zel

I want my toasties!

----------------------------

From: Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org

To: Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org

Subject: Sent

Dynast,

Sent him over by UPS already. Have fun. Oh, I still want him back by the way. Be nice.

.

.

.

Zelas

Greater Beastmaster. . . .Off my wine!!! Shoo!!!

----------------------------

From: Learning With You learninglifefacts@publishers.com

To: Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org

Subject: Fascinating Learning Step by Step

Dear Friend,

Lifelong learning never ceases its wonders. That's why Learning With You has proudly published a new series of beautifully illustrated books on life facts. You will learn interesting facts such as the process of grass growing, the sonorous voices of the bluebird, and also the beauty and mystery of how babies are made!

You will never expect to learn such things from your parents or friends. Do grasp this wonderful opportunity to empower yourself with knowledge. Guaranteed to impress.

Call us today toll-free at 123-456-789.

Sincerely,

.

.

Learning With You

----------------------------

From: Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com

To: Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com

Subject: Listen

Lina,

Stop spamming my inbox. Do something more productive than sit there in front of your computer.

.

.

Luna

Waitress of Doom

----------------------------

From: Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn

To: Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net

Subject: RE: You sick people. . . .

Dear Zangulus-san,

Those pictures and everything else isn't true! Deep down, you know it. This is just a test of our friendship!

.

Amelia

----------------------------

From: Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org

To: Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net

Subject: HAHAHAHAHA YOU SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA. . . . . . . . all of you thought you could hide THE BIG SECRET about that chimera from me but I'm about to find out very soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll know everything!!!!!!!!! And you can't stop me!!!!!!!! MUWHAHAHAHAHA. . . . . . . . . . 

.

.

Hellmaster Phibrizzo

----------------------------

From: Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org

To: Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net

Subject: RE: HAHAHAHAHA YOU SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  


Can someone tell me _what_ he's going on about? o_O

.

.

.

.

Dynast

.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. . . . . . . . all of you thought   
you could hide THE BIG SECRET from me but   
  
I'm about to find out very   
soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll know everything!!!!!!!!! And you 

can't stop 

me!!!!!!!! MUWHAHAH

AHAHA. . . . . . . . . .  
----------------------------  
  
From: Gourry Gabriev gourry@jellyfish.org

To: Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net

Subject: RE: HAHAHAHAHA YOU SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  


I DON'T GET IT EITHER, CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME AS WELL? WHAT DOES ZEL HAVE TO DO WITH IT?  
OH AND WHY IS MY FONT LIKE THIS? I CAN'T GET IT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO CHANGE IT? THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
.

.

GOURRY

----------------------------

From: Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org

To: Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net

Subject: User is out  
  
Thank you for your e-mail. Unfortunately, I am unable to reply as I am out for the time being. I am currently taking a vacation to the Nort**H** Pole, where I will s**E**e **L**ots and lots of snow!

In the event of my unfortunate demise (as it will most likely be so), **P**lease contact my mistress, who came up with the brilliant and generous idea of sending **ME** there**!!!!!!!!!!**  
  
.

.

This e-mail has been automatically generated.

  
.  
Xelloss  
A Really Mysterious Priest!  
----------------------------

From: Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com

To: Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net

Subject: RE: HAHAHAHAHA YOU SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  


Gourry,

That's because you've got the caps lock on. Oh, you can type normally now.

.

.

Zel

I want my toasties!  
----------------------------  
From: Deep Sea Dolphin fishyfishy@hipposintutus.com

To: Zangulus tangyzangy@strangehats.net, Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves@gourry-sama.net, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia@justice-rules.co.sn, Xelloss xelloss@beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus@mazoku.org, Lina Inverse linverse@dragon-slave.com, Zelas Metallium zelas@beast-master.org, Jillas redfox@coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom@ceiphiedknights.com, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster@mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia@macesandantiques.net, Martina Xoana Mel Navratilova martina@princess-mail.net, Zelgadiss Greywords zel@cursedchimera.com  
Subject: A very nice card for everyone! (^-^)  
  


Dolphin like everyone so card for you all! Very nice and colourful! Xelly-poo send to me! Hee hee!

Open open open!!!

.

.

.

Attached: ZELAS_IS_A_MEANIE.doc

----------------------------  
**Author's note:** I'm planning to end this soon. What do you think?

  
*****NEW UPDATE*****

I've got a new Slayers fic up two days ago, called "**Darkness Rising**". Five chapters have been written, but only two have been uploaded. It's a serious fic that's AU, revolving around Amelia. She auditions to become a singer and surprisingly gets a contract on the spot. She soon discovers that the entertainment industry is not as simple as she thinks, and that much more darker things are happening behind her back. Will she be able to maintain her innocent optimism as one thing happens after another? _Please_ read and review. I've already got various bits of future chapters written. Thank you! (^-^)


	11. Who's the culprit? Noonsa!

**Author's note:** Someone has been directly copying and pasting this fanfic and trying to pass it off as her own under the title as "**The Slayers Instant Messanger**". This person is **Ms Valgaav**, who (very ironically) reviewed this before under the name "Rani".  
  
Now while I find it amusing that she copied everything _including_ my author's notes, I find it very distasteful that she tried to take credit for it. Luckily, some people have read my fic before and recognized it as not being hers.  
  
A note to **Ms Valgaav**: What you did is called **plagarizing**. It's dishonest. I roam around ff.net a lot. Almost everyday, in fact. Next time, pick someone who almost never updates and never comes here. Or alternatively you can write a completely original piece of fiction and feel the _real _satisfaction of getting reviews for your own works.  
  
**deep sea dolphin** is the _only_ account I have. If anyone sees the same stuff elsewhere, it means they stole off me.  
  
(....and this rant has been brought to you by a very annoyed writer!)  
  
Review replies are at the end of this chapter. Oh, and for some reason, FF.net doesn't allow us to put the "at" icon for the e-mails, so I've substituted it with (a) instead. Smart, huh? 

**Chapter 11: Who's the culprit? Noonsa!**   
_Slayers_ does not belong to me. Enough said.

Wednesday, 16th June 2004

* * *

From: Filia Ul Copt filia(a)macesandantiques.net 

To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves(a)gourry-sama.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster(a)mazoku.org, Xelloss xelloss(a)beast-master.org, Lina Inverse linverse(a)dragon-slave.com, Zangulus tangyzangy(a)strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry(a)jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel(a)cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia(a)justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox(a)coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom(a)ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus(a)mazoku.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel(a)cursedchimera.com, Zelas Metallium zelas(a)beast-master.org

Subject: NAMAGOMI!!!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU LYING FILTHY NAMAGOMI?!!!!!!!!!!! WAIT UNTIL I GET YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.

My my, Fi-chan! What could

you possible mean by

that! I assure you Zel-kun is definitely rock hard and has blue balls! That is an absolutely indisputable and

irrevocable fact! I am sooooooo hurt by your

blind prejudice! Have you forgotten that

wonderfully exciting evening we had

together...?

* * *

From: Gourry Gabriev gourry(a)jellyfish.org

To: Zelgadiss Greywords zel(a)cursedchimera.com

Subject: WHAT????

.

ZEL I DON'T GET WHAT YOU MEAN. WHAT IS A CAPS? ISN'T THAT A HAT????? I TRIED TO PUT A HAT ON THE COMPUTER THINGY BUT IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING EXCEPT I CAN'T SEE THE SCREEN VERY WELL.

.

GOURRY  
-------------------------------------------  
The best swordsman in the world!  
-------------------------------------------

* * *

From: Luna Inverse waitressofdoom(a)ceiphiedknights.com  
To: Deep Sea Dolphin fishyfishy(a)hipposintutus.com  
Subject: RE: A very nice card for everyone!  


.  
My virus scan says no.

  
.  
-Luna Inverse  
-------------------------------------------  
Knight of Ceiphied  
-------------------------------------------

* * *

From: Zangulus tangyzangy(a)strangehats.net  
To: Gourry Gabriev gourry(a)jellyfish.org  
Subject: Duel  


.  
Gourry,  
  
As of this moment, I challenge you to a duel! We shall see who is the true skilled swordsman of our time! Don't you dare be a coward and run away like before!  


.  
Zangulus  
-------------------------------------------  
The King of all swords pointy!  
-------------------------------------------

* * *

From: Xelloss xelloss(a)beast-master.org  
To: Syphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves(a)gourry-sama.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster(a)mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia(a)macesandantiques.net, Lina Inverse linverse(a)dragon-slave.com, Zangulus tangyzangy(a)strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry(a)jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel(a)cursedchimera.com, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia(a)justice-rules.co.sn, Jillas redfox(a)coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom(a)ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus(a)mazoku.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel(a)cursedchimera.com, Zelas Metallium zelas(a)beast-master.org  
Subject: RE: NAMAGOMI!!!  
  


.

My, my, Fi-chan how could you accuse me of lying! Have I ever _lied_ to anyone before?  
  


.

Xelloss  
-------------------------------------------  
I went to the North Pole - and survived!  
-------------------------------------------

* * *

From: Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia(a)justice-rules.co.sn  
To: Sylphiel Nels Lahda syphieloves(a)gourry-sama.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster(a)mazoku.org, Xelloss xelloss(a)beast-master.org, Zelas Metallium zelas(a)beast-master.org, Zangulus tangyzangy(a)strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry(a)jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel(a)cursedchimera.com, Lina Inverse linverse(a)dragon-slave.com, Jillas redfox(a)coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom(a)ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus(a)mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia(a)macesandantiques.net  
Subject: The culprit behind the pictures!  
  
Dear minna-san,  
  
After much thorough investigation (and of course with the guiding light of Justice!), the Seyruun authorities have found out the culprit behind all the spam mail! They found a fish-man was found in a room cutting our pictures and sticking them on other pictures and then scanning them! His name is Noonsa and is being detained at the palace dungeons.  
  
He'll feel the mighty wrath of Justice and true light soon!  
  


.

Amelia

* * *

From: Sylphiel Nels Lahda sylphieloves(a)gourry-sama.net  
To: Gourry Gabriev gourry(a)jellyfish.org  
Subject: Just wondering  
  
Gourry dear, 

If you aren't busy this evening, would you be free for dinner? I'm still quite worried about you.

.

Love,

Sylphiel 

* * *

From: Valgaav val(a)walkingwounded.net  
To: Sylphiel Nels Lahda sylphieloves(a)gourry-sama.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster(a)mazoku.org, Xelloss xelloss(a)beast-master.org, Zelas Metallium zelas(a)beast-master.org, Zangulus tangyzangy(a)strangehats.net, Gourry Gabriev gourry(a)jellyfish.org, Zelgadiss Greywords zel(a)cursedchimera.com, Lina Inverse linverse(a)dragon-slave.com, Jillas redfox(a)coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom(a)ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus(a)mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia(a)macesandantiques.net, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia(a)justice-rules.co.sn  
Subject: That red-haired girl who tries to pass herself off as a sorceress  
  
.  
YOU RUINED MY LIFE AND KILLED GAAV-SAMA!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU ALL, ESPECIALLY YOU LINA INVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL THAT BUT YOU'RE JUST A FLAT-CHESTED THIRD-RATE SORCERESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   


I'LL GET YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
.

Really pissed off,  
Valgaav 

* * *

From: Gourry Gabriev gourry(a)jellyfish.org   
To: Sylphiel Nels Lahda sylphieloves(a)gourry-sama.net, Hellmaster Phibrizzo hellmaster(a)mazoku.org, Xelloss xelloss(a)beast-master.org, Zelas Metallium zelas(a)beast-master.org, Zangulus tangyzangy(a)strangehats.net, Zelgadiss Greywords zel(a)cursedchimera.com, Lina Inverse linverse(a)dragon-slave.com, Jillas redfox(a)coldmail.com, Luna Inverse waitressofdoom(a)ceiphiedknights.com, Dynast Grausherra imnotsantaclaus(a)mazoku.org, Filia Ul Copt filia(a)macesandantiques.net, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun amelia(a)justice-rules.co.sn  
Subject: RE: NAMAGOMI!!!  
  
.  
I THINK XELLOSS HAS A POINT. I CAN'T REMEMBER HIM EVER LYING TO US BEFORE. SO THAT MEANS XELLOSS DID SPEND THE NIGHT WITH FILIA RIGHT????

OH AND WHAT DOES "NAMAGOMI" MEAN???  


.  
My, my, Fi-chan how   
could you accuse me of lying! Have I   
ever _lied_ to anyone   
before?  
  
.  
GOURRY  
-------------------------------------------  
The best swordsman in the world!  
-------------------------------------------

* * *

**Author's note:** I've decided not to end this so soon. This fic sort of grew on me.

**ChaosDaughter:** Yeah, I guess it does look newsgroup-ish, but that was the best I could do, especially when ff.net doesn't let me type some stuff such as website addresses, e-mails, etc.  
  
**Lina Gabriev:** Gourry can type normally because we have to assume Sylphiel went over to his place and healed him. Zel's ending signature...I thought it would be amusing for him to be so gloomy but at the same time have such a random perky ending signature. Just plain randomness.  
  
**Gween Floor:** Luna's e-mail explains everything.  
  
**KuroiFey:** Gourry has nice spelling because I wanted the funny effect of him not being able to type properly after Lina beat the crap out of him.  
  
**Kara Metallium: **Thanks for continuing to read even though you didn't like it at first. You're absolutely correct on the hierarchies of the mazoku. But with Phibby being "too young to watch porn", I did it to poke fun at his young looks. I think it aggravates him. Heh.  
  
**Lina: **More Xelloss and Filia? Seems like a lot of people want more of them. I'll see what I can do about that next chapter. I didn't put much of them this time 'coz Xelloss just came back and he needs a rest.  
  
**koneko metallium: **Your English is perfectly fine. English isn't my first language either. I've brought back Xelloss from his "vacation" so we'll be seeing more of him in the future. As for Dynast...I don't think I'll make him any more weird than he is. He's scary!  
  
**RagingSpirit:** Seeing this fic is my most popular fic, I think I _will_ continue it. Thanks for all the encouragement.  
  
**Jarad/Tofu: **Oh you haven't updated that Dynast/Sherra fic of yours! Thanks for liking this fic though - sometimes when I review other people's fics, my computer goes all wacky too!  
  
**sam: **When I read this fic all over again, I tend to laugh as well.  
  
**Rani: **You're **Ms Valgaav**, and I've already devoted the former part of this chapter to you. Don't you feel special?

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Remember to review! Just press that little blue button....you know you want to! 


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